so this is Christmas and what have you done?

NOT MUCH! This has been a very difficult Christmas season for me. My depression and anxiety seem to be worsening though I try more and more meds. Yesterday, I think I came close to a complete mental breakdown. It was only the sight of all 3 of my boys, worried looks on their faces that pulled me back. God help me. I don't want my kids to suffer because of my mental illness. People probably wonder how I can be depressed when I have a wonderful husband and beautiful great kids. Depression is not a state of mind. It is a medical condition. You can't just "snap out of it". I used to think a person should just snap out of it too. Look on the bright side, be thankful, yada yada, yada. It doesn't work that way. No one would choose to feel the depression and anxiety I deal with. No one would choose to feel a sense of impending doom on a daily basis. No one would choose to cry and cry and cry some more without even knowing for sure what they are crying about. No one would choose to steal even one second of a child's joy and replace it with fear for their mommy. My kids love me, that is my greatest joy. I will keep working on my medical problems for them, There are days when if it wasn't for my kids, I would just give it up.
Christmas is coming on Sunday. It sounds like it is coming on a long jouney on a train or something. Christmas IS a state of mind. No one really knows when our Lord and Savior was born. It could have been in the middle of summer. I try to celebrate his coming every day in some way. But....Dec 25 has been chosen as the day to get ready for............to hustle around, spending, shopping, giving, baking, decorating, stressing. I'm not lovin' it this year, in fact I really have never loved it since I was a kid. Even as a high schooler, this time of year was very hard for me. The only joy I get is knowing that I do have a risen Savior, whenever He was born, I know that He also died for me and that His greatest gift is Redemption.
I am doing my best to make fun and wonder and anticipation happen for my kids. I love them so much. Doug and I are very blessed in our family. Please, Lord Jesus, help us to make them happy and continue to instill in them a love for You.

Jodi will faint!!

Yes, Jodi...........I am actually posting on my blog!!!
Haha!!
It is so sad when I read back and see how I used to share so much and enjoy writing.
I wish I could get back into it. Gonna try!!
All is well here. Ian is doing well! Dylan is having some tummy troubles and so I need to take him back to the doc. Yes, we've gone already.
Jake is at MCC full time and working at Wesco about 30 hours a week. Busy young man!
Lindsay is a mini me and we go round and round sometimes. She is 7 going on 16. YIKES!
Stay tuned! LOL!!

Happy 2011??

I sure hope so!
I have the following thoughts on what I would like to accomplish in this new year--

I would like to take more time to be thoughtful, sending cards, calling, etc.
this used to be something I was good at and now am awful at!!

I would like to get my home in order, organize it and keep it that way. I would also like to paint my kitchen cupboards and the walls.
I would like to get better at doing a budget. I would like to kick ass on some bills.
I would like to speak softer, love harder, don't sweat the small stuff, God has my back.
to be continued.............................