NOT MUCH! This has been a very difficult Christmas season for me. My depression and anxiety seem to be worsening though I try more and more meds. Yesterday, I think I came close to a complete mental breakdown. It was only the sight of all 3 of my boys, worried looks on their faces that pulled me back. God help me. I don't want my kids to suffer because of my mental illness. People probably wonder how I can be depressed when I have a wonderful husband and beautiful great kids. Depression is not a state of mind. It is a medical condition. You can't just "snap out of it". I used to think a person should just snap out of it too. Look on the bright side, be thankful, yada yada, yada. It doesn't work that way. No one would choose to feel the depression and anxiety I deal with. No one would choose to feel a sense of impending doom on a daily basis. No one would choose to cry and cry and cry some more without even knowing for sure what they are crying about. No one would choose to steal even one second of a child's joy and replace it with fear for their mommy. My kids love me, that is my greatest joy. I will keep working on my medical problems for them, There are days when if it wasn't for my kids, I would just give it up.
Christmas is coming on Sunday. It sounds like it is coming on a long jouney on a train or something. Christmas IS a state of mind. No one really knows when our Lord and Savior was born. It could have been in the middle of summer. I try to celebrate his coming every day in some way. But....Dec 25 has been chosen as the day to get ready for............to hustle around, spending, shopping, giving, baking, decorating, stressing. I'm not lovin' it this year, in fact I really have never loved it since I was a kid. Even as a high schooler, this time of year was very hard for me. The only joy I get is knowing that I do have a risen Savior, whenever He was born, I know that He also died for me and that His greatest gift is Redemption.
I am doing my best to make fun and wonder and anticipation happen for my kids. I love them so much. Doug and I are very blessed in our family. Please, Lord Jesus, help us to make them happy and continue to instill in them a love for You.
